The 80’s Are More Than Just a Playlist
Open your heart (The Human League 1981)
“And when it hurts you know they love to tell you
How they warned you”
My husband Mark often says “for some of you the 80’s are just a playlist on your phone but they were my youth”. They were mine too. Those were the awkward years. The ones where your arms feel too long, your eyes too close together, your hips too wide and you feel either too noticed or not noticed enough. You swing between wanting it all and wanting nothing. Between wanting to feel and experience everything and wanting to be completely numb. Well, I did anyway.
Do you really want to hurt me? (Culture Club 1982)
“words are few
I have spoken
I could waste a thousand years
Wrapped in sorrow, words are token
Come inside and catch my tears”
By the middle of the 80’s I had discovered that there are substances out there that can assist with the both the feeling and the numbing. And that if you want to, all of your feelings and experiences can be shoved away, packed tightly into the bottom drawer of your mind. That drawer which you don’t want to open, because you know it’s a pickle and a hard slog to sort it all out. Which takes me neatly back to alcohol again, and cigarettes and little sleep and concluding that the hugeness of feelings can be solved by eating less and being wanted more.
Heaven knows I’m miserable now ( The Smiths 1984)
“I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour
But heaven knows I’m miserable now”
But none of these remedies are enough. When the empty space inside you feels like a cavern, no amount of anything can fill it to make you feel whole again. No amount of carefully controlled periods of time without food can shrink you small enough to shrink the size of it. The space remains the same size no matter what size you are.
True Colours (Cyndi Lauper 1986)
“And I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid
To let them show”
So, how to fill a void:
Begin to accept that it is part of you. Shine the torch of love and tenderness in to the damp and cold corners. Feel around in the dark, light candles in there to glow through the night, so that the smaller, younger more scared version of you can sit tight all night and not be afraid. As the sun rises, see that the cavern is perhaps a little smaller by morning. It has been soothed and comforted by the balm of you.
Waterfall (The Stone Roses 1989)
“Stands on shifting sands
The scales held in her hands
The wind it just whips her and wails
And fills up her brigantine sails
She’ll carry on through it all
She’s a waterfall
She’ll carry on through it all
She’s a waterfall”
Keep going. Carry on. Don’t stop. Walk into the 90’s. Believe that one day you will know reasons to be cheerful. Because you will.
Nic Shayler
Nic is mother to Daisy, Max, Tilly and Moo, wife to Mark, Baba to Juni. They are her reasons to be cheerful. Listen to her 80’s playlist here: