Living A More Connected Life
On growing up and finding my way:
I first left my hometown to go off to University, but it didn't work out. So I came back and worked doing different bits and pieces. My dad always said, "Do what makes you happy. Do something you want to do. And if you don't want to do it, don't do it." Being given that time and space to be able to try out loads of different stuff was so positive for me. I didn't know I could have this career, and even if I had known, it was so far outside my capacity and experience to comprehend that I could be a mental health nurse.
It was only when Lizzie and I got married and then privately fostered a young person who was 14, that I had my first encounter with mental health services, as a carer of someone with mental health problems. The services were shit. So I thought, "maybe I'll do something like that because I might be able to do it better."
Looking back, fostering seems totally insane. We were only 22, and knew nothing really. I look back at the photos and “think who let those children get married”? But me and Lizzie have always had this idea that we exist beyond ourselves and that it’s the connections with other human beings that really makes life worth living. Don’t get me wrong, I really like nice stuff too. But beyond all of that, for me, it's all about human relationships and connections.
On finding my way to help others find theirs:
A few years later, Lizzie and I bought a house and had two spare rooms. So we had loads of homeless people to stay. People would ask, "Have you got any spare change?" and I'd say, "We're a bit strapped for cash, but I do have a spare room, a fridge full of food, a hot shower and some clothes and shit, so if you want to come and crash at our pad, then come along”. It became a bit of an informal kind of squat, even though we owned the property. It was a funny, but amazing space to occupy. We were just living life and not worried about anything. Of course there were times when it got really hairy and we got robbed loads of times, but at that point we had nothing of worth, so it didn't matter.
Throughout this time I worked at a night shelter. My job was to try and find emergency accommodation. It was a freezing November night and we were giving out duvets. A lady that I knew from the shelter came in. She was ASBO’d or banned from pretty much every town centre in West Yorkshire. She had some difficult behaviours, but she was incredible. And I just thought, "I'm not having it. She's not sleeping out again tonight." So I said, "I finish work at half eight, you can stay at our house”. My manager said, "You can't do that, it's against the rules." and I said, "Well, I can actually do whatever I want and I know there'll be a consequence which I’ll have to accept, but at this moment this feels more important than sticking to your rules." So she came and stayed with us for ages, until we got her into a rehab.
Going back to the girl that we fostered. Things haven’t always worked out but the important thing is that she is still part of our lives. She’s had it tough. When we first met, life wasn’t great for her, that impacted her potential going forward into the future and I think she's paying the price of that.
That's one of the reasons that makes me want to do what I try to do, in terms of just being relentlessly optimistic for some of these kids that I work with. Optimistic that things can be different and if nothing else, giving them an experience of an adult that isn't telling them that ‘everything's going to be alright’. But who also gives a shit when it's good and when it's not. And that's quite tricky to do within a professional service, but it has been something that somehow I've managed to do a little of during my time. It’s what keeps me going. As professionals we have to know where our own peripheries are, because if we don't, then we run the risk of overstretching. We have to be vulnerable, but also careful with how vulnerable we make ourselves, because we're not immune (to poor mental health) just because we do this job.These are key to our own self-care. If you're repeatedly climbing down into the hole to sit with people in the dark, you have to hold on to the light, otherwise it's easy enough to get lost.
The joy for me is getting to sit in a room with a young person. I'm interested in narratives, I'm interested in how we validate people's experiences, whatever they are, and the impact that they have as being valid. I'm just really keen to walk with people part of the way. Sometimes that's a long way and sometimes that's not very far at all. Different people need different things at different times.
A lot of the kids that I work with have certain ideas or behaviors that help them feel safe at that moment. But these things that have helped us feel safe, often end up being the things that keep us trapped, and stop us from moving on. So we build these walls up to protect us, unconsciously, consciously. But, if they stick around too long and they work too well at keeping people out, then we end up on our own stuck behind a massive wall. And that that's not a great place for a human to be.
On work and human connection
The system needs to change. We read in the news "great funding initiative for mental health improvements”, while simultaneously having the biggest cuts to children's social care that we've ever had. We have to begin to look holistically at all areas. Often as professionals we’re told “it’s a social care problem” well, it's not. It's a thing that's impacting a child, and will continue to, unless we are able to work together, to circumnavigate these hoops that have to be jumped through, to access services. Sometimes the process is just so difficult and I think how is anyone supposed to do this?
When we’re collaborating with young people, firstly we need to open up the line of communication to help us work out what they want and then balance that against what their parents are expecting from us as professionals. Obviously, some of the kids we see are really struggling, their parents bring them in and are like, "Well, you need to nurse this person back to health." Generally adults want everything to be fixable, because it's uncomfortable for it not to be fixable. So you have to hold the expectations of other people lightly. It always starts with compassion, and treating people with dignity, no matter how they're coming, or what they're coming with.
I work predominantly with young people with eating disorders and the risks are huge. I have to remind myself that my job is to try and do the best that I can, but recognize there's limitations within that. Of course, I want to help and care for people. But it’s when you start taking responsibility for the successes or failures of other people, that is where you can become unstuck. So, the question I always ask myself before I go to sleep, so I can sleep, is, "Did I do the best I could with what I've got." And sometimes that's recognizing that maybe now's not the right time for that person, or maybe they're not in a space where this is going to be okay. Or maybe, actually, it's not safe for them to let go of their strategies that help keep them safe. As well as recognizing that my aspirations for someone may not be the ones they have for themselves.
I've learned this the hard way. When I think back to every person that's stayed with us, there ain't no happy endings, it ain't Disney. It's real life. It's hard and tragic and difficult. I'd love to be able to write, "Oh yeah, the girl that we fostered, it's great. She's absolutely sorted”, but she’s not. The idea that we can fix people is nonsense. But, we can hold a space where we can tell people that they matter. To be interested, to be present, to listen, that's probably as much as we can do.
On living a more connected life
Since lockdown, Lizzie and I have been really interested in how we can all live more connected lives. We’ve begun to establish the foundations for a multi-generational co-housing project. A development of 20-ish, zero carbon houses, with a portion of the housing for people who have a history of homelessness. For us it's about making a commitment to do something different, to try and create a space for my kids where they can be part of something a bit bigger, a community. So it's about creating affordable housing, but also creating opportunities to engage and foster connections with other human beings.
Will this solve all the problems that we have with housing, with education and with mental health? Absolutely not. But it does go some way to trying to create a space that is going to be great to live in, great for the planet and potentially really great for people that might come along for the journey with us.
Dan Hussey