Illana Gambrill: I Can’t Stop Moving
Last year, we hosted an All Day Communion with lots of wonderful guest speakers. We had some of these talks transcribed and published in our first ever newspaper, which celebrated one whole year of Communion. 100% of the proceeds from the paper go to Papyrus UK, a charity that works hard to prevent young suicide in the UK. You can buy the paper here, and listen to all of our previous guest talks here.
We know that watching videos and buying publications isn’t always accessible to everyone, so we thought we’d put the transcribed talks up on the blog too. We hope you enjoy them.
Hey Illana, tell me about yourself.
I'm not really used to doing this. I usually use my body to communicate with people, so if I stumble over my words or I don't get things out right, that's why. I don't usually use my voice. I run a company called Dance Box and it’s the most, in my biased opinion; warm, inclusive, energetic and empowering space to be. I get human beings to come along and be completely unapologetically themselves. I think a lot of us walk around in our everyday lives sort of like robots, we forget that we are actually human beings that have souls and voices and bodies that move. I created a space that was somewhere you could be that person. I started dancing when I was 12 years old which is actually, in the grand scheme of things, quite late. I started dancing because I wanted to run away from my home life. I went to high school where all the kids were going to this dance school on the weekends, and I was like I'll go there and then that way I don't have to stay at home in a very negative space. So I went to the dance school and I turned out to be freaking good at it. I started dancing to escape my life, and then dancing became my life. I went on to be very good, I trained up hard and got my first dance job when I was 18 years old. I worked for loads of different artists and had a very nice career, but the industry is not kind. It's very competitive and it brings people down and if you're not the perfect size, you’re not deemed as good enough. I started to lose myself in it and lose why I was actually dancing in the first place. I realised I gotta switch it around, cos dance is the most amazing thing you can do for yourself, yet I was losing myself. So I started thinking, how do I take that feeling I had when I first started dancing, and make everybody feel it? And that’s when I started Dance Box.
What was it you wanted to escape from at home?
It’s funny because I’ve been running Dance Box for 5 years, but I’ve only just started to actually tell my story. I had a very nasty Father that I lived with, my Mum was amazing but he was a very very evil man. There was lots of physical abuse. I didn't see a way out, none of us knew how to get out of that situation and my Mum was too scared to leave. My older brother escaped with his friends so it was just me on my own and my Mum had to work because my Father didn't want to, he was lazy as well. My Mum worked about 6 jobs at the time and she had to work on the weekends, so I could either go to work with her and stay in the car, or stay at home with my Dad. I used to stay in my bedroom and fake being sick so he wouldn’t come in. I was 12 years old and I thought I just can't do this anymore, I really can't do it. I went to high school and all these kids there seemed so free and like they had the most amazing home lives, and that is what I wanted. When I realised that they went to dance on a Saturday - that was at least one of the days of the weekend I could get out of the house. My Dad refused to take me, but it was only in Ilford which was about a 10 minute bus ride from my house. Dance started at 10am but I’d get the bus at 6am and just hang around the city until it opened. And then I’d just go and be free and it just felt amazing.
If you hadn’t had to escape your home, do you still think you would have found your passion for dancing?
You know what, I think I would. As a kid I would dance around with my Mum and my Nana. I always loved it, I just didn't know dance schools existed. I really lived under a rock.
I'm envisioning this 12 year old in the East of London who has kind of found herself, found a way of expressing herself, and found a safe space. What did that smell like, taste like and sound like?
So my dance school was in a really old Church hall and it smelt like - it stunk - but when I walked in, that smell just made me... I can't explain it. I sometimes say to my Mum, I'm gonna go down there and see if it's still open because that smell of death and dust and nastiness is just pure freedom to me.
Tell me about your family, about your heritage, your Mum…?
My Mother is an Israeli woman and cooks unbelievable, amazing Israeli food. I think it was especially because she feared my Dad. If there wasn’t a good hearty meal on the table every night he wouldn't be happy. We didn’t have nuggets and chips or smiley faces, we had to have pure Israeli food. I can smell the Middle Eastern spices now. I can smell fresh wild rice - always fresh boiled rice, no one really does that anymore they just put the packet in the microwave don’t they? My Mum was a feeder as well, she's a shove it in, shove it in, shove it in kind of woman. So at 12 years old I waddled into my dance class and everyone thought, “she’s not going to be any good”. And I said, just you wait.
At Dance Box, how do you create a safe space and reduce the barriers to inclusion, to attract people who aren't confident in their own bodies? And that might not necessarily just mean size or shape, but people who aren’t confident in their own movement, their perceived grace?
I don't know how I do it. I just want everyone to feel they are the only person in the room. I don’t know how I manage that, but I do. I believe the power of dance is so important and is so vulnerable at the same time. If you don't make the person dancing feel like they are the most amazing human being in the world, they will run away from it because it is so vulnerable, it's so opening, it’s so exposing. I do a lot of hand holding though. And what's nice is my clients follow suit and they always hold each other's hands too. And we say, “we're in this together, we've got this” and no matter where your confidence is - if it's on the floor, and you can hardly even see it, when you leave this class something in your brain is ignited. And you’ll remember who you are, even just for a little while. And as you keep coming back, that part of you just grows and grows.
One of my first memories of dance - I used to dance like an idiot but I'll always remember my 13th birthday. I’d just got a pair of Wally Waffle trainers and some skin tight jeans but I’d still dance like I was eight. I was just dancing like I wanted to dance and my mates were laughing at me at my own 13th birthday party. I just remember thinking “I don't know what I'm doing wrong”. For about five years afterwards, I couldn't dance naturally. Stuff like that sticks with you.
That's why you’ve gotta be very careful when you’re doing something like I do. If someone is being giggled at in the class, you don't see them again and that's that. Now that would never happen within a Dance Box room, but I've seen it happen in other places and it's not cool. People say dancing is therapy. If you’re laughed at when you’re baring your soul in therapy, you’re not gonna open up ever again.
Talk me through what happens in one of your sessions. If I was new if I was coming in for the first time, how would you help me?
Ok this is how it flows. You walk into the room and you're greeted by me first and foremost. If you're that way inclined, I will literally run and jump on you. If you aren’t that way inclined, you soon will be. We hang out until everyone comes into the room, everyone is super friendly to anyone who is new to the room. We will start with an empowering song - whatever is popping at the moment, and with a cardio warm up which is quite intense. Then we do a big long juicy stretch and then we go into something called The Nasties which is extremely nasty. We work a body part to one song, it could be your arms. bum, tummy, whatever, but it sets you up and you always finish that section feeling powerful. Feeling like you need even more. Then I go ahead and teach the routine. The routines are designed for everybody, so no matter your abilities, it is designed for everybody. I'm not saying that you won't struggle with the challenge, I don't believe in going to a dance class and not being challenged through your mind and your body at the same time. We dance until we pass out on the floor. Some people cry, some people scream - I like to unleash peoples inner beasts. Then we end it with a little love circle, tell each other how much we love each other and value each other.
Is it just dance that people gain from your classes? I don’t think it is, but you tell me.
I think the dance is the icing on the cake to be honest with you. I think what people gain is freedom. I think it’s remembering who you are. I think it’s a sense of purpose, and a sense of who you really are inside. I think there's something that is ignited in people. I've seen people's lives change, not just because of dancing but because of the way it makes them feel. I get some women that come in and say, “you've given me the push I needed to leave my husband” or. “you give me the push I needed to actually love right again” or, “You gave me the push I needed to start my own business, or write that book”. I think the dancing and the sweating and working out is just the cherry on the cake.
Which song can't you ignore? Which song always makes you dance?
Oh my God that is the hardest question. If I hear anything by MJ, Beyonce or Janet Jackson, you won’t be able to stop me moving. That's quite cliche but seriously my soul sets on fire and I can't stop moving.
Illana Gambrill