Change is Love, Brick by Brick

I remember the day I got in touch with my inner child, acknowledged that he was still back in a place and time which was not good for either of us, I imagined that he wouldn’t  even turn around to face him me, he was so angry. I cried, a lot.

That anger in him had built up for years and two weeks before lockdown, the collision of undealt with childhood trauma, pending lockdown and the loss of one of the most precious things in his life caused the implosion. Little did I know that the grief was going to be worse than I thought, but that grief triggered a change, my mind came back online, participation in my own life.

What I really want to tell you about is the beginning of something brilliant, possibly intrepid, occasionally painful, but most of all participatory. 

Here’s a conversation via WhatsApp between me and my friend Kate*, using LEGO to talk about what’s going on with me. 

Kate: Talk me through this build Adam

Adam: That's me with the chain around me, stuck. In my left hand is an axe, hacking at the chain, in my right, a magnifying glass looking at what's coming. The spiders are dark times ahead and they are guardians of the good things represented by the plants.

K: What will you do once the chain is broken?

A: Take my axe and magnifying glass and inspect the spiders to find out why they are guarding the plants. I will defend myself too, if they attack me.

K: Make friends with the spiders, they may open doors.

A: That's a good idea and a better way of thinking.

K: Sometimes when we are defending ourselves, we miss opportunities.

A: Good point. I could have sabotaged a good opportunity.

K: You won’t have and you won't.

A: I will need to be mindful of that, should have, would have and could have. I think I’ll name the spiders should, would could.

K: No should, could or would....just 'be'

A: I set up a table of things I might need for my journey, telephone and radio for communication, a key to unlock the doors and maybe my own potential. Binoculars for looking ahead, a wand for times when I am low, need some magic and self-love. There are also the glasses for when I have a chat with the spiders.

I'm still hacking at the chains and keeping the magnifying glass so I don't lose sight of what's right in front of me.

The spiders are getting closer, but that's ok.

There are more plants now, plants of possibilities.

K: Ask them what they want. They may just need to be recognised.

A: They all say they don't want any trouble; they just want to talk and have questions

K: Then you need to open yourself up to them

A: And that is why I'm hacking at the chain of stuck.

K: Visualise it unravelling. Reframe it. It’s not scary, welcome it, it has made you the brilliant human being you are

A: ☺

A: I'm looking forward to finding out how this plays out, no matter the outcome.

By the way, my spiders have new names. Authenticity, bravery and compassion. 💛😊

K: Hey, wow. The power of acceptance

A: I know. I feel like I'm reclaiming myself. It's really good but quite daunting at the same time. It feels like the death of an old me that I created to project the real me.

K: You haven't been yourself for years

A: Yes, gutted about it really. But here are Authenticity, Bravery, Compassion, my cat and me in the garden chatting about what we're going to do next.

The skeleton with the brush is helping tidy up all the old bits of my past life. The other person with the brush and briefcase are the kind people helping me tidy up with their broom and brief case of knowledge. 

K: Wow!

A: The globe is the world of possibilities. The ladder on the tower of uncertainty is to help me when in tough times and failure.

K: No failure only feedback. The time is nowhere or the time is NOW HERE

A: Hah! Oh yes! ☺

K: Time IS...NOT us.

A: The time is very much now! Time will happen anyway, so I might as well get on.

I really like joining Mark and the QiGang for Qigong in the mornings, it sets us up for the day. I’m noticing a change through the simple act of movement. I’m seeing the green shoots of observance, much to the disgust of my sub-conscious who regularly tries to knock me off course. 

I repeat while tapping at the end of a session:

Even though I have not been my best self in the past, I love and trust myself to use past failures experiences as a means to learn and be a better me.

Even though I forgot about my inner child, I love and trust myself to be there for him and carry him in difficult times.

I’m glad found his way back to myself, even though the cost to start this journey was high. Seizing  an opportunity, a reformation, recovery for and addict of self-sabotage and habitually putting everyone else before his own needs. But I’m in rehab now, to be a reformed people pleaser. 

So this is where I am now, at the beginning of a new adventure, I’ve no idea how this will work out. And for the first time, I smile and think to myself, I’m alright with that.

The belief that people don’t change is nonsense, if you have the fire in your heart and mind, the will and bravery to face yourself, you have that power to update yourself with love. Brick by observant brick.

Adam O’Riley

*For the purposes of honesty, Kate is not their real name.

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