all you need is love
I am an author, podcaster, and founder of Doing Death a multi-media platform and podcast that encourages authentic conversations about death, dying, life and love. I wrote my book Do Death for a Life Better Lived in 2019, firstly to empower people to die better and secondly to explore the innately complex topic of death, to improve our wellbeing, our work/life balance, and to rediscover the power of human connection and love.
Working with those near to the end of their lives and being personally affected by death has brought me closer to living with the realisation that love is the one thing that binds, connects us, and intensifies our grief when someone we love dies. Death permits us to live more courageously, consciously, lovingly, and compassionately towards one another and our planet. An awareness of our mortality or the loss of a loved one can help us to create more enriching relationships with those around us, which we need throughout life especially when we are not doing so well. Death can teach us to pursue our bliss to take more risks to do the things we enjoy, rather than only dreaming about them.
One of the reasons death is so hard for us to consider is because of the fear of our own death and those we love. To think about that is about thinking about the worst thing that could happen to us, and in some ways, it can feel like that when we experience it. After the initial period of shock and devastation, in time we can find a way to live with this new reality as life will be forever changed and how we view the world. Grief is about letting that pain in, not denying it, grieving in our own way, and allowing it to become part of who we are and our human experience. Grief is our battle scar for how deeply we dared to love. If we knew how hard it would be when someone dies would we love less intensely? Not risk falling in love? Or live in fear that death might take it away? Facing the reality that we will die and everyone we know will die means that we can love and live more fully with the understanding that nothing stays the same. In the Buddhist sense, everything is impermanent, everything changes. Though the love we experience is there forever, that does not die with the people we love.
I volunteer in a local Hospice recording people’s life stories, or sometimes I just sit and talk with them. I am training to be an end-of-life doula who is someone that acts as a guide or an advocate supporting someone dying and their family to navigate their experience with more knowledge and control through this transition. When I record people’s life stories they often talk about their accomplishments of what they have achieved in their life, and sometimes about their relationships with family and loved ones. It's humbling and an honor to listen to people's accounts of their lives. Quite often people want to talk about their educational or work achievements. It seems that for many their academic accolades or their careers are what gives them a sense of worth or how they measure their lives. It's not only work that defines or gives us purpose but; What gives us joy and how do we experience it? What can we create? What inspires us? Who do we love? And how do we cherish our close relationships? It's hard at the end of life to see people diminish from who they were and the roles that defined them through their lives. When this happens it's like that person's world is dissolving and they are left with the question of: Who am I? Sometimes this loss of the self is replaced with a more simplified version for what matters and who matters and it’s death that helps them realise that.
Some worry about how their loved ones will cope after their death and they are unable to express how they feel about them, instead, they want to be ‘strong’ and ‘brave’. I long for people to have these conversations with me so I can record them as I know how incredible it would be for their family to hear them after they have gone, it’s such a gift. If it's hard to say those things when we are dying perhaps we need to just say them more often when we are not faced with death. How often do we tell people we love them and what they mean to us? It doesn’t have to be big gestures but little things like ‘I’m so proud of you’, ‘you have a beautiful smile that always makes me feel better’, or ‘I was so grateful when you did that for me’. We find it hard to have conversations like this and so when we are dying or someone we love dies we think about all the things we should have done or said. In death, the preciousness of the love and the bonds we have nurtured are brought to the forefront of our minds.
In the book Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn, she refers to a study by Julianne Holt – Lunstad who found that people who had a more social connection with others were 50% less likely to die prematurely than those with weak social relationships. Her research also found that loneliness and social isolation are linked to a 30% increase in having a stroke or developing coronary artery disease. So there is scientific evidence to support the fact that people who experience loneliness and isolation don’t live as long as those who have a rich community of friends, family, and neighbours around them. Over the last couple of years in the pandemic, we have seen people starved of physical contact, acknowledging our shared experiences with others on screens or in-person with our close neighbours. I usually run a death café in my hometown in St Albans where people come together over a coffee and a cake to talk about death. In these conversations, I have experienced people being at their truest, and afterward, most people go away feeling lighter and more inspired to talk about this subject. The most important part about death cafe is giving people a space to talk about something we all have in common and I have witnessed some incredible conversations. In the pandemic, I helped co-host some death café's online with the concern that they would not be as heartfelt and authentic as those held in person. What we found was that people from all over the world were able to join us for the most intimate and precious interaction and we felt even more connected than ever.
In life, we always feel we have more time; time to do something we might have always wanted, time to contact a close friend we have neglected, to follow a passion, or even just to have more time for ourselves. We often procrastinate or make excuses that we are too busy or we will do it tomorrow. Partly the denial of death makes us think we have more time but fear is another reason why we don’t do some of the things we want to. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of vulnerability, fear to be ourselves. The fear we imagine is usually, never as bad as the reality. Instead, time is spent doing the things that we feel we should do or to please others. If we can gently climb out of our comfort zones, allowing others to support and champion us in our vulnerability and bravery whilst facing our deepest fears then we can feel freer.
Death is one of the hardest things we will face, but by living authentically, confronting our fears, and allowing ourselves to be supported with love we can find more meaning in life. The proceeds from this annual will be donated to the charity Papyrus which is dedicated to the prevention of young suicide and although we need to take care of one another, we especially need to pay attention to our young adults. Take an interest in them, particularly those from more disadvantaged groups, become a mentor, be compassionate, be kind, be sensitive, give them a leg up. Ask the uncomfortable questions, gently probe deeper, and don’t assume negative traits to their behaviour. We never know what someone might be going through or if it is coming from a place of anxiety, or feeling like they don’t belong, or that they are alone. Find out what they need, how you can help, offer support and listen with an open heart and mind without any judgement. Think about who you love and why you love them and tell them more often than you do. Sometimes we only find out what someone means to us after they have died. We can think about our relationships more intently whilst our loved ones are still here and create a community of compassion, care, and love. By holding each other more closely we can give ourselves permission to love deeply and live fiercely.
Amanda Blainey